Dear Parents and Caregivers,

In the wake of violent events, we offer this very simple shorthand: reassure your children of your constant love and continually offer simple reassurances that are familiar in your family. Let them know that you may be experiencing unpredictable and strong emotions, and that this is normal and okay and healthy. Decide on what you will tell your children – for anyone under eight, a single sentence will suffice.

Things you can do:

1) Be available in the coming months and make time to talk. Let their questions be your guide to how much information to provide. Watch for clues that they may want to talk, such as hovering around while you do the dishes or yard work. Some children are better able to talk when engaged in a shared project—painting comes to mind.

2) Observe children’s emotional state. Some children may not express their concerns verbally. Changes in behavior, appetite, and sleep patterns can also indicate a child’s level of anxiety or discomfort. In most children (those who have not experienced great previous trauma or suffered from clinical depression or mental illness), these symptoms will ease with reassurance and time. But seek out support from church or that of a mental health professional if you are concerned.

3) Limit your children’s exposure to news coverage in this area if possible. Developmentally inappropriate information or too many details can cause anxiety or confusion.

4) Be mindful of the conversations you have with and in front of your children.

a. We encourage you to be honest and forthright, as they deserve that. Tell the truth. It is important to know that children will develop their own explanations if not given one and that these explanations can be inaccurate and frightening. Children must know that their parents are trustworthy.

b. We also advise you to limit the expression of your own most intense emotions in front of them. Experiencing these emotions is frightening and often leads children to feel that they need to take care of their parents, and thus avoid burdening you with their own experiences.

c. Children relate to the world through their senses so explain what they are hearing, seeing, AND feeling. Give them words to help them understand and recognize what they are feeling. Sometimes they will be self-conscious about feeling scared, for example, so instead of saying “You’re feeling scared,” say “It’s a scary feeling.” Let them know that their feelings make sense, and that it’s ok to feel whatever they’re feeling.

d. Children will be sad when they hear about the death of someone, but that sadness is appropriate. Being sad about someone who has died shows good attachment, an ability to be loving and caring and form relationships. It is important to give children permission to feel sad, they need to know that the adults around them can handle their sadness and not try to distract them from their real feelings. Children do not develop positive coping skills without good modeling. An approach can be to verbalize the idea of collecting their coping techniques like an “emotional tool bag” so that they become aware of how they already help themselves with big feelings, and this can help them feel more in control. This tool bag is essentially talking and clarifying what tools are already utilized and to become aware of new and different ideas that might help.

5) Maintain a normal routine. Keeping to a regular schedule can be reassuring and promote physical health. Ensure that children get plenty of sleep, regular meals, and exercise. Model this yourself—eat when you don’t feel like eating, for example. Encourage them to keep up with their schoolwork and extracurricular activities but don’t push them if they seem overwhelmed.

6) Consider providing a concrete shared project as an outlet.

a. This might be writing or doing an art project, sending good wishes to those most immediately affected, and naming things that you are grateful for about your own lives in the days to come. All of these activities provide a way for children to revisit loss in ways that are supportive and respectful.

b. Perhaps at some point down the road, talking about hard things can lead to discussions about how to help others, those we have an ability to help, and provides an opportunity to model compassion. This will be an important lesson not only now, but in facing future losses. Commit as a family to donate or volunteer for a helping organization, or make the message even more personal by committing to a project as a family to help individuals you personally know in the community.

Things you can say:

1) We are safe, and we have always taken a lot of precautions to keep ourselves safe in this family (share examples). Although there is no absolute guarantee that something bad will never happen, it is important to understand the difference between the possibility of something happening and probability. Offer some separation between what happened and what they fear might happen. Dr. Paul Coleman, author of How to Say It to Your Child When Bad Things Happen, writes, “Distinguish yourself clearly from that person so your child can rest comfortably knowing Mommy’s not going anywhere.”

2) Doing things that we enjoy, sticking to our normal routine, and being with friends and family help make us feel better, even though we will still be sad. We are people of faith, and in part that means we live from a place of hope and love, especially when doing so is hard.

3) What happens when a person dies? When a person dies, there are no more feelings in the body; it does not feel hurt, it does not feel anything. People always know how much they are loved by how we treat them when they are alive; when their bodies are alive, their feelings are alive too. When a body stops working and dies, everything in them stops. But what never stops are our feelings for and memories of them – that never has to go away. We will always miss the people and animals we love, but we will always have them in our hearts.

4) But where do we go when we die? What happens? Again, honesty about your own beliefs and sense of mystery here is key. Your love and support, and that of their church and community of friends, will make more of a difference for their grief process and healing than the belief in an endlessly varied story of the afterlife about which hundreds of questions can be asked, none with clear answers, even for those who believe strongly in an afterlife. For a resource with child-friendly language on this question, see http://whyzz.com/where-do-we-go-when-we-die.

5) A death like this is hard for everyone to understand. It isn’t fair or right, and it’s not okay. Sometimes the world is like that. This is part of what makes the moments of our lives so precious, knowing that they are finite. Knowing that bad things happen to good people. Why does this happen? Because of the nature of universe—this is how it has evolved, and how we have evolved. We all have freedom, and we are not all-knowing or all-powerful. So sometimes bad things do happen to good people. There are billions of people in the world who have experienced this in their own way. As Unitarian Universalists, we affirm the inherent dignity and worth of every person, and say that we are interconnected with everyone, with the entire web of life, death, and renewal. That is even more true now that we have entered into the circle of those who have known great loss.

There will be many conversations with your children about violence, death and dying over days/weeks/months/years. This is as it should be. It is important in supporting children through loss that they feel that no question is off limits and that they will be guided through the experience.